FFCEpsilon: Average Teen Joe Dumped by Hottie Girlfriend, Wishes All Good-Looking People Away by Gary J Beharry

Filed Under Fiction, FFCEpsilon

"Charlene, where are those reports I asked for?"
 
"I just need to run to the supply room and get more paper, Mr. Krantz," Charlene said trying to twirl her stringy brown hair back into the tight bun it had been at the beginning of the day.
 
Mr. Krantz placed his hands on his protruding belly. "Good. On your way, please tell Jessica I’d like to see her in my office."
 
"Yeah, I’m sure she’s looking forward to the nooner as well," Charlene murmured on her way to the ladies room. Eight years with Krantz, Krantz, and Bornstein and all she managed to achieve in that time was a spastic colon, while that little hussy Jessica — "Oh, Hi Jessica," Charlene said sticking her flat chest out in a pathetic attempt to compete with Jessica’s ample bosom, accentuated by a  narrow waist. "Hi there, Rubin," Charlene continued, focusing on the co-worker she once thought she might have a chance with.
 
Before either of them could say anything, Charlene’s spastic colon acted up again and she said, "Mr. Krantz is looking for you in his office, Jessica." Charlene didn’t look back as she ran to the bathroom, hoping her insides would hold out.
 
When Charlene’s inner-workings had calmed down enough, she walked out of the stall and as she reached into her pocketbook to begin the chore of fixing her make-up, a cacophony of screams and gasps erupted from outside. She rushed out into the hall. Papers flew in her face as Bobby from the copy room ran by with a wild look in his eyes. "Bobby, what’s going on?" she asked but he zipped by so fast she barely managed to overhear, "–just disappeared."
 
Charlene’s brows furrowed. Her first thought as she entered was there must be a fire, for at least a third of the office had emptied, and the remaining coworkers were running around in a frenzy. Dan Epstein, a junior partner, lumbered toward her with his cauliflower ear and bad acne scars and said, "Thank God you’re okay, Charlene. We thought you vanished too!"
 
Vanished!  "What the heck are you talking about, Dan?" she asked as the chaos escalated. Mr. Krantz emerged from his office, lipstick kiss marks on his face and collar of his unbuttoned shirt. He was sweating profusely and looked to be in a state of erotic confusion. "She just disappeared!" he screamed. "Gone, gone right before . . " and then he collapsed, his three hundred-plus pound body slamming to the ground and shaking the entire floor.  
 
"Guys, Guys. You won’t believe it," Ned, from accounting, said hulking down the hall, slamming into a few more dazed coworkers. "I was in the break room watching CNN when Becky Summers disappeared while doing a report on North Korean Nukes." He then unclasped his clip-on tie and took a deep breath.
 
Charlene wobbled left, then right, only to be righted by Rubin. "Take it easy there," Rubin said in his dreamy voice. Oh, if only he had a smaller nose, she thought to herself.
 
"Thanks, Rubin," she finally managed to say.
 
He smiled at her, showing a few crooked teeth and said, "Any time."
 
Eric, from website development, flew into the room waving a piece of paper. "Oh, my God!  Have you guys heard?" 
 
"Yes, we’ve heard," Charlene said, looking over at Mr. Krantz and feeling somewhat assured she saw his chest heaving up and down.
 
"Oh," Eric said, sounding a little disappointed, fixing his coke-bottle glass frames onto his nose. "The kid confessed."
 
"What kid?"
 
Eric, redeemed because he had pertinent information for once, spoke up. "CNN picked up the story from the AP."  
 
Eric cleared his throat and made a show of waving the paper in the air. "Sarasota, Florida. Twelve-Fifteen p.m.
Average Teen Joe Dumped by Hottie Girlfriend, Wishes All Good-Looking People Away. A sixteen-year-old jilted ex, (name withheld), broke down in tears after confessing to be the cause of the disappearance of all the good-looking people in the world. After his girlfriend left him for the captain of the football team, he went into a deep depression and wished all good-looking people away. His sister was walking by and after he made the wish, she vanished. Upon hearing other news reports, he broke down and told his parents who promptly drove him to the police station."  Eric looked up in amazement. "Do you know what this means?  The meek WILL inherit the Earth!  I have a chance now!  Yes!"  Eric jumped in the air and mimicked a Pete Townsend air guitar riff. He must have seen the look in Charlene’s eyes, for he backed out of the room, bumping into people still shocked and probably wondering if they should be thankful that they were still here or depressed that they were still here.
 
Moans from behind diverted Charlene’s attention. Mr. Krantz had finally regained consciousness and clumsily picked himself off the floor. He began barking orders to the closest underlings.
 
"I can’t believe this is happening," Charlene said.
 
Rubin squeezed her hand and said, "Me neither."  He then looked her up and down, concentrating a little too long on her naked legs. "Charlene," he said quietly.
 
"Yes, Rubin," she said.
 
"Maybe we could go out for lunch. Talk about what just happened."
 
Charlene smiled. "I would like that very much."
 
Her colon never felt better.
 
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Comments

2 Responses to “FFCEpsilon: Average Teen Joe Dumped by Hottie Girlfriend, Wishes All Good-Looking People Away by Gary J Beharry”

  1. Natalie L. Sin on May 24th, 2008 4:35 pm

    Tee hee ; )

  2. D. S. Knight on May 25th, 2008 3:29 pm

    WOO! Yes! I DO have a chance…oh wait… :P