The Long & Short of the NY Comiccon by Earl B Morris

Filed Under Geeks, New York, Appletown, Gary Coleman, Funny Books, Peter Mayhew, The Different Strokes, The Star Wars, Science Fiction, Science Fiction Gorillas, NY Comicon | 3 Comments

I recently was an honored guest journalist at the NY Comiccon in NY (or New York to those in the know - also sometimes referred to as The Apple, or simply Appletown, by the Greeks and Armenians that frequent the food stalls and houses of ill-repute in nearby New Jersey).

A convention of the unconventional - comic collectors, cosplayers (people who dress as super-heroes or fruit), artists, writers, inkers, one letterer, filmmakers, actors, publishers, etc - The NY Comiccon was a colorful and interesting diversion from my current project, a delightful musical adaptation of Sophie’s Choice to be produced at the Murlfeesboro, Tennessee Jazz players.

I also had the opportunity to meet two of the people on the staff at BBT Magazine with whom I had previously communicated only via the World Wide Internet (which I access on my compumax by mashing the buttons labeled with three W’s, and waiting for my processing unit to begin screaming and making puffing sounds to another compumax which screams and puffs as well, at which point I know I’m connected), Lucien Spelman & Kennedy Smith. Both were delightful in “real life,” and Lucien seemed clean and articulate. Kennedy I’m sure is a nice man outside of the stress of a comic book convention.

We were sitting at the bar high above the throng, peering down at the conventioneers when Kennedy began slurring remarks to female passersby, many of whom were costumed or in desperate need of a tan. In order to avoid the impending confrontation with a rather menacing looking version of Ms. Marvel, we made our way through the crowd to begin collecting interviews and/or hair samples.

Frankly I am a little behind the times, and haven’t seen a film since 1965, and while I like funny books, once the cover price exceeded 20 cents I was forced to leave off the reading of those by my great aunt. With those things under consideration, I parted ways with Lucien & Kennedy, leaving them to do the majority of the interviews.

I wandered for awhile, sipping at a pineapple colada (which I’m certain did not have real pineapple juice in it and for some reason was made with red wine), and just as I was about to leave for the water closet, I spotted a small crowd around one of the tables at the far end of the room. As I got closer, I noticed a small fellow with dark skin, who at first glance appeared to be a child but on later inspection was revealed to be a very short man. A small notice in front of him declared him to be Gary Coleman, an actor, and I presumed super-hero funny book collector.


The small crowd left, and he resumed eating his salad. I fumbled with my recorder, and after changing reels (Kennedy had earlier been singing racy limericks at the top of his voice, and demanded I record him), I made my way over:

“How long will it take you to rid the world of evil?” I asked.
He begins to laugh, a delightful churlish sound, and clearing his eyes he said,”I don’t know, a few lifetimes maybe,”
“Are you off to a good start?” I asked. I seemed to be picking up this journalist thing quite handily.
“No. I have not killed my quota yet this year,” he said, still grinning.
The grin threw me for a moment. There was a slight menace to it, as though there were more to this man then there seemed. At a loss, but not wanting to waste the opportunity for further dialog, I scanned around the room for inspiration. I noticed a young man with a t-shirt bearing the word “fanboy” scrawled across his chest. Unable to think of anything better to say, I blurted out “Are you a fanboy?”
“Ahhh,” he says, and raises his finger to his lips in a rather dynamic gesture. “What’s a fanboy?”
“I believe it’s someone who likes comic books.” I said, a little unsure.
“I used to like Robotech” he said.
“Very good,” I say, happy to be off the hook.
His smile fades a little, and we both falter for a moment. The uncomfortable moment of silence is broken by a man in his thirties who begins to pick through a small pile of autographed photos on the table. He chooses a seemingly odd image - in it are two black children, (One of them Mr. Coleman, the small fellow I’m speaking with), a pretty freckled girl, and an older white gentleman. Mr. Coleman is sitting on his knee, offering a sideways glance to the camera. The title below declares it to be a photo from The Different Strokes, an offputting title to be sure. Money is exchanged, a handshake offered across the table, and the man leaves poking his new photo into a plastic bag with a picture of a Japanese schoolgirl sitting atop a police car, and smoking a cigar in bold colors on either side.
Mr. Coleman turns back to me, expectant.
I’m at a loss for words for a moment, then:
“Anything new coming up?”
“Not really, no,” he says, but I’ll probably be at an upcoming… uh”
“Comic-book convention?” I offered.
“Yeah.”

I shook his hand and make my way back to the bar, hoping to find out from either Lucien or Kennedy the nature of the celebrity I had been speaking with, when I was struck by the fact that they seemed to be lining up the guests in this room by height, for a giant of a man with a long head of curly hair was at the far end of the wall from where the small dark fellow was sitting. I was also struck by the fact that he was reading the latest copy of our new publishing endeavor, BBT Magazine, and he seemed to be enjoying himself immensely.


I snapped a photo for reference, and later on that evening I showed it to Lucien & Kennedy. Kennedy spat a series of impolite euphemisms at me, and said it was a man named Peter Mayhew, and told me he had played a gorilla or something in The Star Wars, a 30 year old space film. I left to let the two of them sober up a bit, as they were clearly upset about something. I looked him up on the Interweb, but all I could find was this page: www.petermayhew.com with you may also find by typing into your googlemax and mashing the buttons on your mice. Please be sure you wait for the computers to begin screaming at one another, however, to ensure connection.

Dissertation on Alan Moore

Filed Under Swamp Thing., Voice Of Fire, Alan Moore, LXG, Watchman | Leave a Comment


I realize I just posted, but I wanted to babble about something else. Pull up a chair. Let’s talk about Alan Moore.

Recently, I’ve had an interesting and useful discussion about Alan Moore, and whether or not he’s a literary genius (or just a comic book genius). I maintain that while his work can be thick, and sometimes difficult to get into, it’s solid work that tells powerful stories, and that it should hardly be altered.

I think “dumbing down” Alan Moore would work about as well as those lousy “easy reader’s versions” of people like Herman Melville and Victor Hugo. In other words, you’ve gutted it and then handed the carcass to people and expected them to appreciate it.

Personally, I don’t have a problem when Hollywood “adapts” or makes over something. When I dislike a comic book based movie, people (friends and family included) always assume it’s because I’m familiar with the original comic and it wasn’t like that.

The thing is, I thus far have been familiar with the original material for most of the comic book movies, but that doesn’t hold me back. Batman Begins, for example, wandered way away from most of the comics and I enjoyed it immensely, because it was well acted, well written, and it took itself seriously.

That’s all I need. I don’t care if its entirely faithful.

With Alan Moore’s work, I go back and forth. I respect that he had his name taken off the film credits and had his share of the money split between the other co-creators. I was less than thrilled about the huge media stink that was made about it (none of which came from Alan himself, who is a quiet and sweet man). Alan Moore snubs Hollywood, hates Constantine! garbage like that.

I did not like LXG, because it was shallow and it acted silly. I disliked it for the same reason that I disliked the new Star Wars movies. I expected it to be changed and adapted, but not turned into a “teen titans, but with really old characters from books” sort of movie.

Inversely, I enjoyed V for Vendetta very much, even though it was written by the Wachowski Brothers, who have a less than sterling reputation for being able to write (Matrix 1: Good. Matrix 2, 3: Not so much.) I thought it was well done, powerfully acted and written, and gave me brilliant and moving performances by Natalie Portman, and Stephen Fry (he made me happy; he broke my heart).

From Hell was less than perfect. It had good moments, the ending not among them.

I enjoyed Constantine, though it had none of the depths or character that the comics had. It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t great either.

The nice thing about movies is, if the movie is good then it helps the book. If the movie sucks, then the book is untouched and unaffected.

Things like Watchman and Promethea would be nearly unfilmable, I think. I have no idea how you’d adapt them into movie form. His newest work, Lost Girls would be perfectly filmable, but would probably only show on Cinemax after midnight, when they show cheap softcore porn. (Although even then, it would be the most intelligent softcore porn movie ever made.)

There. Some chatter about Alan Moore. Go read his stuff, honestly. You’ll enjoy it more than listening to me go on about it.

*PS: That picture up above is Alan Moore, big as a bear, standing beside the small, wonderful Jack Kirby. A picture like that is priceless.

An Interview With Kevin Smith and Ben Affleck (posters)

Filed Under Sheena Of The Jungle, Kevin Smith, Ben Affleck | 1 Comment

On Behalf of the BBT Blog I recently sat down to tape a short, unfiltered and uncensored Q&A session with famed director Kevin Smith and even more famed actor Ben Affleck. Unfortunately their publicists refused to answer my calls and emails so I conducted my interview with two posters hanging in my living room.

BBTBlog: I’m here with Kevin Smith and Ben Affleck today and it really is a pleasure to spend some time with you. I’m sure all of our readers are looking forward to hearing your thoughts and ideas. Let’s get started, shall we?

Kevin and Ben:

BBTBLog: Yes, so let’s begin. Kevin, my first question is for you. You’ve made many successful movies, you own your own comic book store, you’ve written your own comics and even published a book of essays. What’s the creative force that drives you?

Kevin:

BBTBlog: Er. Ben, you’re up next! You’ve have some scary career moments but we’ve all been pulling for you! Sort of a career Armageddon! (Laughs). You’ve recently redeemed yourself with your role in Hollywoodland. what’s coming up next in your career?

Ben:

BBTBlog: You know guys, I’ve seen both of you interviewed before and I know you’re capable of being relevant and funny. Are you having an off day? Do you (coughs) do you think you could, you know, ramp it up a little? (Pause). If not for me, for the fans?

Kevin and Ben:

BBTBlog: Oh. I get it! This is like a Silent Bob thing right? Except you’re both being Silent Bob. (Pause.) The Silent Bobs. Hah! That sounds like a punk band!

Kevin and Ben:

BBTBlog: Ah. Really, this is a bit embarrassing, like Prince on American Bandstand. That whole silence thing. Er… um. Are you both going to be working on project together in the near future? A simple nod or some sort of hand gesture will suffice.

Kevin and Ben:

BBTBlog: Yes. Care to elaborate? (Whispered) you sick bastards.

Kevin and Ben:

BBTBlog: (Whispers) Look, I’ve been authorized to give each of you a year free subscription to BBT. Just answer the questions and it’s yours.

Kevin and Ben:

BBTBlog: (Sounds of hands muffling the mike). (Whispered). . . .friggin stop it! Is this how you treat all your interviewers? Christ, you come all this way just to give me the silent treatment? What’s up with that? Do you hate Speculative Fiction? Is that it? Are you both SciFi haters? C’mon admit it, you guys can’t take the heat. Harlan Ellison too good for you? I’ll bet neither of you could ever even come close to playing Spock. Huh? Huh!

Kevin and Ben:

BBTBlog: That’s it. I’m (Muffled) off! Come on. Outside! You and me Silent Bob and friggin, friggin boy acting, Matt Damon toting friggin, Ben Gigli Affleck. What’s the matter, can’t get off the wall? huh? Well here, Let. Me. Help. You! (Sounds of tearing). Nobody gives ME the silent treatment! (Sounds of a scuffle.) I’m an artist too dammit. Not even a gift bag from your publicist you cheap, two dimensional bastards! (Pause. Sound of heavy breathing punctuated by hysterical laughter). I can’t take this crap anymore. Sheenah? Sheenah! Where’s my loincloth? Grab a fifth of Jack and come with me, We’re going to Disney Land! Whoo! Yeah Baby! Whoo! (Tape Stops.)

Editors Note: This article was filed from a bus stop in Guadalajara Mexico several days ago. If anyone knows the current whereabouts of the author, please let us know immediately.

An Appreciation of Zombies

Filed Under Brains, Zombies | 3 Comments

So, the other night, I have a bunch of work to do on the computer. I have short stories to write, and web-sites to tidy up, and witty comments to post. All those difficult things to do. But before I do that, I flip on the TV for thirty seconds to see what’s on.

I see a movie called Undead on. It’s an Australian horror film. I’d heard good things, so I gave it a moment of my time.

I didn’t surface again until it had finished.

This brought to the forefront of my mind one of those interesting details that I knew, deep down, but hadn’t been consciously aware of until after I saw that (really, really brilliant) movie. I love zombie movies.

I adore them. It’s weird, because I really don’t like horror films all that much. People made fun of it (and me) but The Grudge scared my wife and I very, very badly and thoroughly screwed up our lives for a month. For one thing, we wouldn’t park the car in the garage, because it’s dark and shadowy. I did my writing in the early morning hours instead of late at night. I was frightened of hallways. The Grudge tapped the primordial fears that I had as a child. It made manifest all the images that I had as a child when I gave voice to my fears. After that, I haven’t really ventured to horror films, even just splatterflicks. No thanks.

But I gobbled up Evil Dead a month or so ago for the first time. Then I devoured George Romero’s movies (to which I am a latecomer, having recently discovered them) and I delighted in Undead. My favorite Stephen King book in a long time is Cell and just tonight I watched Evil Dead 2 and enjoyed it more than many high-budget movies I’ve seen recently.

You’re sitting there going “Gosh, he loves zombies, welcome to the friggin’ club, here’s a t-shirt,” and you’re probably right. I’m not exactly the first person on this wagon.

I’ve always liked the concept of a post-apocalyptic world. I just think it’s fun. When I was ten or so, I used to wander around the small town I lived in at the time on a quiet day, and I’d imagine that the reason I wasn’t seeing anyone was because there weren’t any people. And I used to work out what I’d do if I were the only one left. What houses I would go into, how I would get in, what I would use, would I carry a gun? (yes; a pistol, but I would mostly carry a couple of knives, less clumsy I decided).

It wouldn’t matter that I was ten and couldn’t drive yet. I would get some keys and drive anyway (and could I get the keys if they were on a dead body?)

Incidentally, these may sound like horrible things for a ten year old to be thinking of, but really it was in good fun. And I think it was my writerly brain turning over and over. At the age of ten, I’d already been writing stories for two years. I was getting the hang of it.

Zombies were a logical progression of that. Not only would I have to survive (heroically, as only a 10 year old can) but I would have to dodge these brain-eating shambling creatures. I’d have to make a fortress for myself, an impenetrable place where I could survive. Making fortresses was another interest of mine.

Zombies are, like Ninjas and Nazi’s, instant story gold. Any story is made better by the inclusion of any one of those three things. To include all three would be best, of course. Many’s the sad, sappy touching romance movie where I’m sitting in the chair with my leg falling asleep, envisioning zombies shambling out of the walls.

Steel Magnolias for example.

Gobble gobble.

Bliss!

And that is my appreciation of Zombies. Go watch a zombie movie. We should have an Official Zombie Appreciation Day. It’s the right thing to do. The day we honor that we still have our brains inside our heads. I move that February 23rd henceforth be Zombie Day. I think that’s important for us as a world community.

I leave you with this important song, the Anthem for our new holiday.

Shamble on, my brothers. Ramble tamble shamble.

The Deconstructionist: What the World Needs Now

Filed Under The Deconstructionist | 3 Comments

Final-Logo

It’s 2007, and I’m certain that I’m not alone when I say that so far, the twenty-first century is, well, lacking in technological wonder. Don’t worry, I’m not going to go on about the jetpack and the flying car, because I know that the problem with these overdue wonders of science isn’t the technology, it’s the people who would use it. The problem isn’t making cars that can fly, it’s keeping flying commuters from crashing into your house at 600 miles per hour every time their cell phone rings.

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A Global Threat to the Human Race

Filed Under Uncategorized | 5 Comments

I’ll be taking a break from my normally flip column to address a serious issue which I feel is gaining too little attention. There is a serious and growing threat, not just here in the United States but throughout the world. Cover ups have been manufactured. Lies have been told. Silence money spent and cheek rubs administered but I can hold my tongue no longer.

Cats have launched a plan for world domination.

That’s right, they may look cuddly and attractive rolling about on the floor with a ball of string or dismembering a songbird but do not be fooled by their outwardly cute demeanor. Felines have already infiltrated such hallowed halls as the White House, the NRA headquarters and (here is where I truly fear) almost every used bookstore in America! While I urge you not to panic and take to the streets you must be made aware of this growing threat.

I speak from experience, having come to some sort of accord with three cats who have taken up residence in my home. Fighter, Bighter and Infinite-Hatred-Of-All-Humankind have lived with me and my family for almost eight years now. Throughout that trying time I have been secretly keeping a journal, scrupulously noting what we have to fear and where we may find as our salvation. I have put all of my anthropological training into this short manifesto. What follows is humanity’s guide to surviving the feline invasion. Print this document and store a copy in a locked, fireproof safe. The time is coming my friends when this document could stand between freedom and the litter box for all humanity.

What we have going for us.

Cats have no opposable thumbs. While this may seem like a small victory, it actually plays nicely into our hands. Many of our tools of war are (for the time at least) still geared towards those of us with opposable digits. Guns, can openers, airplanes. All of these things require opposable thumbs. Don’t let this ease your fears however! Many a night I have quietly crawled out of bed only to see my cats huddled around the can opener, an unopened can of tuna nearby. One day they will overcome this obstacle and then we will know fear. Soon there will be a time when tiny, no thumbs required firearms will make an appearance, mark my words.

Cats are easily distracted by fish. Indeed, a quick can of tuna could be the only thing standing between us and slavery to a master feline race. I would recommend that every citizen of the world keep with them at least two unopened cans of tuna and a manual can opener at all times. When you catch your cats pawing through your purse or wallet looking for your social security check (not if my friends, but when) you have just ten to fifteen seconds to open your tuna. Failure to distract your cats could mean a substantial portion of your income will suddenly be spent on jingly balls, dried herbs and carpeted poles. It is all part of their insidious plan.

Cats get hairballs. While this may seem like a minor distraction to our cats and a major obstacle to our carpets, the hairball can be a valuable tool in the fight against the feline overlords. Hairballs can serve three valuable purposes. They can be used to locate the ever stealthy cat, they can be used to momentarily distract the felines and they can be used to stop an attacking horde of enraged cats. Hairballs are our friends. Beware though! The cats have caught on and have recently begun releasing various anti-hairball products through almost all of our major retail outlets.

Cats have a serious aversion to water. Like a bad plot device in an overly produced science fiction film, cats hate water. While this may not be true for all cats, most of them suffer from this weakness. Seventy percent of our planets surface is covered in water, perhaps more if Al Gore has his way. Surely this can be used to our advantage! I foresee vast armadas of ships, veritable floating cities as possibly the last vestiges of human freedom. Remember, keep your showers running at all times and a squirt gun by your side.

Cats have a brain the size of a walnut. They have yet to be able to cram any more gray matter into their evil little heads and we must use this to our advantage. They can only use the tools that we manufacture and give them access too. You must immediately restrict your cat’s use of the Internet and any form of driving or flight simulator!

Our advantages are few when we realize what we must overcome. Here is my list of the most immediate threats to our freedom.

Feline Physics. Over the past millennium cats have devised their own form of physics that operate within our Universe but apart from our so called physical laws. Feline physics allow the cat to manipulate the natural world on an order of magnitude greater than anything humanity has been able to accomplish. Cats can manipulate time and space to their advantage! In brief here are the tenants of feline physics.
1.If there is a door and a cat, the cat is always on the wrong side of the door. If the cat is inside, it should be outside. The inverse is also true. They use this ability to come and go as they will.
2.If there are more than three cats present then in reality there are always n+1 cats. This is how they appear to be in two places at once. You may actually see all three cats but rest assured there is another rifling through your tax records.
3.Cats need not travel the intervening space to get from point A to point B. In certain circumstances (largely involving twine or fish from what I can glean) cats may create a form of wormhole.

When put to use these Feline Physics make no place safe, for any space may contain a cat, or the possibility of a cat. Oh Schroedinger, what have ye wrought!

Cats are in league with Space Aliens. While I’ll admit that conclusive evidence in this area may be lacking a bit, circumstantial evidence will bear me out. Cats always attempt to go out at night. The majority of alien abductions are reported take place at night. A follows B and we can deduce that cats are in league with the aliens. I believe that they are contacting their alien cohorts at night while being implanted with some sort of listening or scanning device. They they spend their days near their ‘masters’ doing unobtrusive things like ’sleeping’. ‘Seriously’.

My attempts to create an articulated tin foil body suite for my cats have all failed and generally result in great bleeding on my part.

Cats are a lot cuter than sharks or slugs. They use this in their favor. Sharks and slugs have been around far longer than cats. Do they rule the world? I think not and the primary reason is that no one wishes to cuddle with them. Cats can get away with a lot and still manage to endear themselves to us humans. Do you think this is an accident? Or all part of their insidious plan?

Cats not only make us feed and water them but they make us clean up their poop. Subservience my friends is one of the keys to their plans. They continue to make us perform humiliating tasks while they insinuate their cute, evil little selves into our lives. Who else would we do this for I ask you? Would I clean up George Bush’s poop? Would you? Or is George secretly a cat. . . that may be fodder for another article and requires further pondering.

Don’t just take my word for this. Listen to the mass media! The warning signs are everywhere and those of us who can read them are attempting to get the word out. Even Bob Barker has seen the light and has been preaching sterilization of the feline race for years! Now he is being silenced with his so called retirement. Is that too high a price for our freedom? What price is too high? No price! Our livelihoods, our ability to speak in public, our right to a lint brush and a two pound steak, all of this is threatened! The price is not right my friends, submission to our cats is the road to slavery under a master feline race. The price is not right!

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